How to talk with your partner about money 

Talking about money with your partner can be hard, but it’s important for a healthy relationship. In this guide, we cover why you should talk about your finances and when to have the chat. We also share 8 dos and don’ts to have a stress-free money talk as a couple.

Why should I talk about money?

Conversations about money can be tough. Many of us have grown up thinking that money is a taboo topic, and rude to talk about. But money is an important part of our lives. Money-worries can be a cause of stress and anxiety. But opening up about your finances to someone you trust can be a big relief.  

Talking about money openly can help you:

• Feel less stressed 
• Understand your relationship with money 
• Set and reach your financial goals
• Learn useful tools and techniques from those around you
• Break down biases like the gender pay gap 

Having money chats with children can teach good money habits early. And discussions with older individuals can help prepare them for important life changes, like retirement.

Why should I talk to my partner about money?

Talking about money is even more important when you're in a relationship because your finances are likely mixing. Money worries can be a major cause of fights between couples. Talking openly about money can prevent arguments and make sure you both agree on how to handle your money. This can lead to a healthier financial situation for both partners.

When should I talk to my partner about money?

There’s no set rule for when you should have the ‘money talk’ in a relationship. But it’s generally a good idea to start early on. You could begin by asking questions like if they prefer saving or spending, or just by talking about things like who pays for dinner.

As your relationship becomes more serious and your finances mix, it’s important to have a proper talk about how you’ll manage money as a couple. This could be before you:

• Go on holiday together 
• Move in together 
• Share a joint bank account
• Apply for credit together, like a mortgage, loan or credit card
• Get married
• Have children together

What topics to discuss during money chats?

The topics for your money talk will depend on where you are in your relationship. Here are some things you could talk about:

• Your goals: Talk about your goals and whether money plays a role in achieving them. If it does, you could set financial goals together to help you reach them.
• Money management: Talk about how you’ll pay bills, spend and save as a couple. Decide who does what to make sure you’re both working well together and reaching your money goals.
• Money worries: Share any worries or fears you have about finances. Talking about your concerns can reduce stress and help you work through problems together.
• Debt: Be honest about the amount of debt you have and how you feel about it. This can help make sure that both partners have a clear understanding of each other’s financial situation. Then, you can work together to address concerns and find solutions.
• Career goals: Talk about your career goals and how it might affect your money. Think about if you’d need to pay for specialist education or take time off work for training. This helps both people understand how it might change your finances.
• Children: Before having children you may want to discuss how it would impact your finances. Think about expenses related to their care and any long-term financial planning you may need to do for their future. Also, think about how taking maternity or paternity leave could affect your budget or income.

8 dos and don’ts for a successful money talk in a relationship

Do - choose the right time and place

When talking about money, some places are better than others. Choose a spot that is calm, quiet and without lots of people around. If you have children, you could wait until after they’re asleep to have the money chat. And it’s smart to avoid chatting finances late at night or after drinking alcohol. This way, you can keep a clear head and focus on the conversation. 

If sitting face-to-face feels too formal, try talking while going for a walk. Walking side-by-side with your partner can make it feel less awkward to start talking.

Do - stay calm

Money is an emotional topic for many of us. It can stir up feelings of stress, anxiety, or even anger. That’s why it’s important to stay calm during money discussions.

Here are some tips:

• Prepare in advance so you know what you want to say
• Take deep breaths or try to relax your body to stay calm
• Focus on what you can control rather than things you can’t change
• Speak calmly and respectfully, and avoid saying hurtful things
• Try to find some common ground with your partner
• Share how you feel using “I” statements instead of blaming your partner

Do - be honest

It’s important to be honest with your partner about your finances. If you share bank accounts, a mortgage, or even household bills - you’re likely financially connected. This means your financial behaviours could affect each other. For example, lenders may look at both of your credit histories before deciding whether to lend to you, even if you’re not applying for credit together.

If you’ve been keeping money secrets or have worries, try to talk openly about these. Your partner might have ideas to help you, and you can work together to find solutions.

Do - try to understand

Everyone has different attitudes towards money. Often these come from what we learnt about money growing up. Some people feel that money should be used for spending and living in the ‘here and now’. Others want to save money for the future. 

Talk about your money values with your partner. And ask them to explain their relationship with money to you. If you have different values, you may need to compromise. 

To meet in the middle you could:

• Keep your own separate accounts for personal spending
• Save together for big goals (like a holiday or buying a house) 
• Share an account for bills and shared savings each month (keep in mind that shared accounts could mean that your finances are linked)

Do – make a plan for if you split up

Consider talking about what would happen to your financial situation if your relationship ends. This may not be a fun conversation, but it can be helpful to have a plan if things don’t work out. It’s wise to have this conversation before significantly merging your finances, for example before marriage or having children together.

Don’t - interrupt your partner

Try to let your partner speak without interrupting them. Listen and show respect to their views, even if you disagree with them. This helps keep the chat productive and prevents arguments. 

Practice active listening by:

• Keeping good eye contact to show interest
• Using open body language, for example by smiling, nodding and avoiding crossing your arms
• Asking open-ended questions to help them share more
• Expressing empathy for your partner

Don’t - be judgmental

Try not to bring judgment or resentment into the conversation. And avoid shaming your partner if they’re struggling. This helps create a safe environment where everyone feels comfortable sharing their issues.

Here are some tips:

• Try to stick to facts, not opinions
• Be supportive if your partner is having a hard time
• Focus on positives rather than negatives

Don’t –forget to celebrate financial milestones

Money talks don’t have to be stressful or negative. Taking the time to recognise your achievements can boost your mood and motivate you to continue working towards your financial goals.

Here are some milestones you could celebrate:

• Reaching a savings goal
• Paying off a credit card or loan
• Building an emergency fund
• Sticking to your agreed budget

Find a way to celebrate your achievements. For example you could go out for a nice meal, plan a weekend trip away, or buy something you’ve been wanting.

How to end a money conversation

You might feel relieved after finishing a tough money chat. But it’s a good idea to wrap up your talk by reflecting together and planning your next steps. That could involve doing things like making a budget, opening a joint account or cutting back on luxury items. 

Or, you could simply plan when you’ll next revisit the conversation:

Money Dates

Consider scheduling ‘money dates’ with your partner. This means setting aside time for discussions about your finances, even if it’s just for 20 minutes once a month. Having these regular check-ins can help you both stick to your money goals and spot any potential issues early on.

Get help

If you’re struggling with money problems as a couple, it’s okay to get help. Here are some organisations you can reach out to:

• StepChange – A debt charity that provides debt help and advice
• Citizens Advice – They can help with debt solutions, budgeting and government support like child benefits
• MoneyHelper – A government backed service that offers free and confidential help with money and pensions

If money-worries are impacting your mental health, there are places to get help:

• Mind – A charity offering support and advice to those with mental health problems
• Samaritans – Open 24/7 for anyone who needs to talk (call for free on 116 123)

If you partner is controlling your money

This is financial abuse, which is a form of domestic abuse. Speak to someone you trust and get help.  This guide from MoneyHelper explains how to spot financial abuse, and where to get help.